Morning, troops. And troopess.
How's the cuisine?
May God have mercy on these eggs.
Our cook should be stoned to death with his own pancake.
Well, discretion being the better part of food poisoning...
I thought I'd just stick with the powdered orange juice.
Pulverized citrus. These maniacs will stop at nothing.
- Oh! - We forgot to warn you about the powdered pits.
No, it's nothin'. The gullet's just a little rusty this a.m.
You said the same thing last night, sir.
- I'd better have a look at these glands. - I'm just fine, I tell ya...
- Ow! Ow! - These glands are like grapefruit.
- Don't tell the army. They'll powder 'em. - And you have a fever.
- Nonsense. I'm just hot-blooded. - Doctor.
Uh-huh. Colonel, you might find this hard to swallow...
but 8:00 to 5:00 says you've got the mumps.
You picked the worst time to be right, Hunnicutt.
Oh, dear. I feel responsible for this.
Nonsense, Padre. You didn't know we were all...
walking into a mumps festival at the orphanage.
Gee, I just thought those kids were doing great Charles Laughton impressions.
As of right now, I'm off-limits to all personnel...
who didn't have the good sense to catch 'em when they were kids.
With all due respect to your high ranking glands, Colonel, their timing stinks.
Tomorrow we're supposed to be up to our mumps in casualties.
Keep a cool caboose, Hunnicutt. I'm way ahead of ya.
- Klinger! - You bellowed, O top o' the heap?
Yeah, and I wish I hadn't. It looks like I've got the mumps and...
The mumps? Command me from a distance, my weak and withering leader.
I have never mumped, and I'm too old to start.
Stand tall, doughboy. You've gotta get on the gabber and find us a fill-in surgeon.
Put the G.I. Red tape in the drawer, and leave no corner uncut.
Substitute sawbones, comma, one each, coming up.
- Let me help you to your tent, sir. - I'd better warn you, Major.
I get mighty crotchety when I'm battling a bug. And I make one ornery patient.
Well, I make one ornery nurse. Take it easy.
Excuse me. Uh... Colonel...
isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um...
how shall I put it... bagged?
It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.
[Laughs] l... Forgive me, Colonel.
It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady...
- afflicting a man of your advanced years. - Step aside, Major.
What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?
Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps.
At least I know they're going to go away.
We best be going, Colonel. Come on. Easy.
- Uh, Charles? - Hmm?
You're being kind of cheeky for a guy who says he's never had the mumps.
I have nothing to fear. The superiority of the Winchester genes...
has rendered me immune.
I have been exposed to mumps countless times. I have always emerged unswelled.
- I'm sure. His butler got them for him. - [Both Laugh]
Anything else I can do for you, sir?
One thing. You've been here all day.
- Leave me alone! - You don't have to shout.
Yes, I do. I would never hit a woman.
Look, we can do this easy, or we can do this hard.
Why can't we just not do it at all?
Because you are the patient. I am the nurse.
And I am gonna gently see you back to health.
Margaret, I know you're tryin' to help me...
and God knows there isn't a pillow around that could go the distance with ya...
but you'd bring a smile to this swollen face...
if you'd just leave me alone.
- Colonel... - And don't let the door hit ya in the fanny on the way out.
Good-bye, Major.
- [Knocking] - I am sleeping, Major Houlihan.
Hi, Colonel. We got a really swell surprise for ya.
Go away, Pierce. And take Hunnicutt with you.
We wanted to bring you something to cheer you up.
But what can you give a man who has everything, including the mumps?
- His very own roomie! - So here he is now...
Charles Emerson Winchester the puffed.
Well, well. A childhood malady...
in a man of your advanced weight?
Now don't be unkind, Colonel. Poor Charles was caught with his genes down.
- I just wanna go to sleep. - Not so fast.
- This is a private room. Go someplace else. - There is no place else.
- The V.I.P. Tent is bulging with sick nurses. - Who are also bulging.
Well, so's this tent. It has a capacity of one. That's me.
Colonel, I assure you... excuse me...
the prospect of, uh, sharing this veritable Elbe...
displeases me much more than it does you... ooh!
You're too modest, Winchester.
Don't underestimate your power to be a pain in the buns.
Pierce, please, the bed. I feel delirious.
- Where should I put it? - Anywhere outside.
Just a moment, uh, gentlemen, please.
Well... [Groans] Colonel, your, um...
yours does not appear to be a standard army issue folding canvas cot.
It isn't.
This is a genuine Sears Super Slumber mattress.
Plenty comfy too.
Yeah. And it's so spacious.
Sure is! Several hundred of the finest geese who ever honked...
gave their all so I could snooze in comfort... solo.
- Yes, but, Colonel... - Don't even think it, Winchester.
- [Potter Growls] - Uh...
- Pierce, the bed. - The bed.
The bed, put it down!
- Let's go, Hawk. I think they'd like to be alone. - Bye.
- Be right with you, sir. - Keep firing, soldier. Commies are everywhere.
I'm disinfecting the place. We got mumps here, and I gotta be careful.
If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult...
but if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids.
Take that, you little home-wreckers!
Good work, Corporal. Don't take any prisoners.
In the meantime, would you tell me where my billet is? I'd like to put my stuff away.
Oh, you must be the replacement surgeon.
In the flesh. Newsome, Steven J.
Klinger, Maxwell Q. Welcome, sir.
Boy, they got you here just in the nick of time.
Says a lot for the power of positive begging. I'll show you to your quarters.
Here we are, sir. Our finest accommodations, complete with cell mates.
Gentlemen, I give you Dr. Newsome.
- Hi! He's B. J., I'm Hawkeye. - Oh, that's catchy.
My name's just plain Steve.
Just Plain, I can't tell you how glad we are to see you.
[Laughs] 21-15.
- How'd you get him here so fast? - It's a secret.
But if he asks you where the beach is, change the subject.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must continue evicting those little mumpettes.
They can run, but they can't hide.
Doctor, your opportune arrival calls for a celebration.
- You, uh, make your own? - Yeah. We call it "Moonshine Over Korea."
Mm... Oh!
Now I know what the corporal is spraying the office with.
This is quite a lovely spot you have here.
It's not much, but we like to call it hell.
We just came for a weekend. Now we may never leave.
You're probably here on the American plan.
Now, see here, Newsome, that remark shows a complete lack of respect...
for this man's army and all that it stands for.
- And I resent the fact that you beat me to it. - So do I.
- Where are you stationed? - H.Q. Company, Tokyo.
Ah, Tokyo... hotbed of combat.
Working your fingers down to the manicure.
Yeah, it's a cushy job, but somebody's gotta do it.
I specialize in geisha girls myself.
I'm a highly regarded eye, ear and leg man.
Hawk, I think we got a new guy for the act.
We could put a sign out in front of O. R... "Three Stooges, No Waiting."
[Man Over P.A.] Attention. Choppers. Don't think it's presents from home.
Let's go, Steve. Another "come as you're hurt" party.
You don't give a fella much of a chance to freshen up, do you?
Sorry. Happy minute just ended.
- Major, can you close? - Of course, Doctor.
By the way, my name is Margaret Houlihan.
[Hawkeye] Don't you love it when she drools?
- I'll get this one down here. - We may have a new candidate for rookie of the war.
[B. J.] Usually takes the new guys two weeks just to stop fainting.
Well, this isn't exactly new to me.
I got my first taste of combat surgery in the Pusan Perimeter.
Pusan Perimeter? Newsome, you've been holding out on us.
I've heard horror stories about that.
Well, there are not a lot of people around to talk about it.
Our regiment had 16,000 casualties in 18 months.
Retract, please. Guys were dropping as fast as we could catch 'em...
mostly in pieces... Keep that pressure up.
Yeah, I remember once we had dead men stacked up like cordwood.
- [Hawkeye] Never a dull moment, huh? - No, not in those days.
Seems like we were always bugging out.
Oh, once, I remember...
I had to operate in a moving jeep in the middle of the night.
Kid had about 12 pounds of shrapnel in his leg.
I stretched him out across the back with a local anesthetic. Brand-new P.F.C. Driver.
About one minute ahead of the North Koreans. Oh...
Anyway, I'm cutting, kid is screaming...
a leg is bleeding, and the driver's yelling, "Where are we?"
It was... a hell of a ride.
- How'd it turn out? - Okay.
Kid kept his leg. We found the battalion.
I stole a bottle of gin and got drunk.
My driver... asked for a transfer.
99.4. Up another 10th.
Then hurry up and discard before the grim reaper comes marching in.
Oh, very well.
- Gin. - Again?
Colonel, it hardly requires an advanced degree in differential calculus...
to master the numerical sequence of ace, deuce, trey.
Fifty-four points, record.
Oh, shut up and deal. I can't remember the last hand I won.
Oh, really? Having won so few...
I should think they'd stand out in your memory.
On second thought, I think I'll read a little and then turn in.
Some Zane Grey maybe.
Ah, Zane Grey.
Tolstoy with spurs.
He happens to be a great writer!
Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill...
Zane Grey is to literature.
Therefore, I shall counter with something civilized... Caruso.
"En-riko" Caruso? The singer?
Why, yes, I do believe he sings.
Nix on that. I hate opera!
Colonel, a closed mind is an empty mind.
All I ask is that you listen, and I assure you...
you will be carried away on majestic clouds of musical rapture.
## [Caruso Singing In Italian]
- That guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap. - ## [Stops]
Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music.
If I want music...
I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s.
If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!
Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work...
but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex...
can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal...
Enrico Caruso!
Oh, yeah? If you wanna match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?
Not even at gunpoint!
Yoo-hoo. I just wanna see how my sick little soldiers are doing.
- Oh, peachy dandy. - Wonderful.
Who's the, uh, tall stranger?
This is Dr. Steve Newsome. He's our replacement surgeon.
Dr. Steve, meet Colonel Potter and Major Winchester.
- Nice to meet you, Colonel. - Pleasure's mine.
Word is you've made quite an impression on the folks in these parts.
Oh, he's wonderful, sir. I mean, we don't even miss you and Charles.
- What the... - I mean...
No explanation is necessary, Major.
We're lucky to have such a first-rate pinch hitter.
Ah, indeed. Most, uh, reassuring.
[Grunts, Groans]
Tell me, uh, Captain, what is your background? From whence do you hail?
Well, I was born and raised in Chicago.
Ah, Chicago, that toddlin' town.
Hog butcher to the world. [Chuckles]
Where were you educated, Al Capone State?
Well, that's a good guess. I did my undergraduate work there.
For medical school, I went to Johns Hopkins.
Jo... Hop... Of course you did!
I can spot... [Groans] Spot a man of quality instantly.
While the major pulls his tootsies out of his yapper...
how do you like it here at the 4077 th?
Oh, I love it, sir. I just hope I get a chance to use the beach.
[Margaret Cackles]
[Man Over P.A.] Attention, all personnel. Rise and whine.
More wounded coming in. Don't make any plans for the weekend.
- Or the week. - Oh, no. - So soon?
It's a rude enemy. They never call before shooting.
Possible fractured mandible. Get him into X-ray.
Sorry to spoil your first night in town, Newsome, but carnage will out.
Ah, this is like old times. Get him on plasma.
- It's like riding a bike. You never forget. - [B. J.] God knows I try.
We'll take him first. Okay, see you in O.R. Under the big clock.
I'll be the one wearing the white suit.
[Hawkeye] Okay, let's go. Get him inside.
[Hawkeye] Uh, Newsome! Party of one.
Your table's waiting.
[Crickets Chirping]
Ah, walking in your sleep.
Good way to get rest and exercise at the same time.
Just a little insomnia. But I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.
Another great job in O.R. Last night.
Oh, thanks.
I'll tell you though.
This place of yours is not a whole lot better than Pusan.
[Gargling]
Winchester!
Oh, you're up.
I would never have taken you for an early riser.
You used to be right. I don't believe you.
First you skunk me in gin rummy, then you bust my eardrums with that Neapolitan coyote...
and now it's gargling at...
Good grief!
It's 0600 in the blessed a.m.!
- Couldn't sleep. - How could anybody with all that gargling going on?
Well, you see, sir, a most...
distressing thought has been nagging at me.
[Groans] It's...
- I can't talk about it. - Fine. Good night.
Then on the other hand, it would be very good for me to get this off my chest.
[Sighs]
All right, out with it. But give me the abridged version.
Right. Well, you see, sir, it's just that...
the mumps can, in some instances...
render a man incapable of certain... parental opportunities.
Oh, I get it. You don't wanna be going to the father and son banquet by your lonesome.
Sir, I will never be whole.
I will not have fulfilled my family obligation until I have sired an offspring.
The dread thought that Charles Emerson Winchester III...
would also be Charles Emerson Winchester the last...
Look, you've got a mild infection.
You're getting plenty of sack time. You've had a buttful of gamma globulin.
The odds are you'll wind up in a house filled with little roman numerals.
All right, boys and girls, we're really shorthanded...
so let's try to work a full 90 minutes out of every hour.
You're not gonna believe this. Two more nurses just reported to sick call.
I'm drafting Klinger and Father Mulcahy.
- All right, men, into your white stockings. - Coming up.
Stick with me, Father. I've got matching pumps for both of us.
Another long session in O.R.
At least the other doctors have something to do.
The only activity I am allowed is talking.
Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing.
So clam up, you yahoo!
I do not understand why...
you are allowed your pleasures, and I am not allowed mine!
Because my pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!
Ah! That is either a horse...
or the RCA building.
It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end.
Fortunately, I have a live-in model.
Ha! Ha, ha-ha, ha!
If only your talent matched your callousness.
- Winchester, go about your business. - I have no business.
- Take a nap. - I'm not sleepy! [Clears Throat]
Just listen to yourself yammer.
That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.
Even the most despicable convict is allowed the basic pleasures of life.
- But not I. - Don't rile me, Winchester.
My face gets any redder, somebody's gonna get whopped.
Threaten all you want, I can't take anymore.
I demand my rights. I'm going to play my music.
Don't touch that dial.
I need this music to nourish my fading hope that truth and beauty still exist.
Viva Caruso... [Gags]
I'm warning you. Eighty-six that Italian!
- I have nothing left to lose! - ## [Caruso]
- That tears it! - What are you gonna do?
- I'll decide when I get there. - No, Colonel.
- Oh, no.! - [Potter] Oh, yes.!
- Klinger, how many out there? - I can't count that high. Sorry.
- [Margaret] He's sorry. - How long is this gonna go on?
- There are some questions we don't ask. - Or answer.
Oh, damn. Look at this leg.
- Can you reconstruct, Doctor? - I, uh... I'm not sure.
There's so much vascular damage. I, uh...
No. Prepare to amputate.
No, don't!
- Uh... Um... - Doctor?
- There's so many, um, arms and legs, you see... - Dr. Pierce?
Not now, Margaret. I'm about to go steady with this kid's small intestine.
Pierce, please!
- Watch his pressure. - [Nurse] I have him, Doctor.
Dr. Newsome? Steve?
We'll try to save it, Major.
Tell you what. Just to keep things interesting...
why don't we play musical patients?
- You take mine, and I'll take yours. - Oh, all right. Good idea.
- Hey! - Where's he going?
- I'll find out. Finish closing for me. - Yes, sir.
Drag him in here. He's very popular.
In fact, I'm not sure these kids can live without him.
Just relax, pal. Take a few deep breaths.
Oh, sure, okay.
- You gonna be all right? - Oh, yeah.
I just haven't seen this for a while, and now there's so much of it.
Yeah, I know. Look, take a minute.
Collect yourself. But not too long.
We're really gonna need ya in there if we're gonna pull this one out. Okay?
- Okay? - Okay.
- [Hawkeye] Where is he? - He's okay. He's just getting some air.
You take my patient, I've got his.
- No rest for the woozy. - [Margaret] This is brutal.
If it's brutal for us, think what it's like for these kids.
Got another bad one. Who's got dibs?
[B. J.] Dr. Newsome. He'll be back in a minute.
This kid just came in. The lieutenant said he can't wait.
[Hawkeye] My God! Where the hell is Newsome?
Father, go tell Dr. Newsome recess is over.
- He's gotta get back here now! - I'll be very persuasive.
Get him under. Why didn't we get two replacements when we ordered one?
[Hawkeye] This can't be real. Come on, all you guys.
Sit up and say, "April Fool." Please!
- Newsome isn't out there! - What do you mean? Where is he?
- I have no idea. - He picked a hell of a time to go for a stroll.
- Find him! - I'll do my best.
- Something's gotta be wrong, Hawk. - Maybe he got sick.
I'll find him, sir. If anybody can sniffhim out, I can.
Margaret, prepare to amputate.
- Isn't there any chance we can reconstruct? - No, the artery's gone.
I haven't got time. I save this leg, I lose that life.
- Any luck? - He's not in the Officers Club.
I just checked the Mess Tent. Nobody's seen him.
Newsome's not in the Swamp, but his clothes are still there.
- He better have one damn good reason for what he did. - What the hell? Is he hiding?
He's not in the supply room. I'll go check the Motor Pool.
There must be an explanation. Why, after all, the man's a responsible surgeon.
Pierce, Hunnicutt.
If you're looking for your missing surgeon, he's in here.
- All right, Newsome, what happened... - Easy, Pierce.
He just wandered in and sat down.
[Hawkeye] Steve?
Steve, it's Hawkeye.
The blood won't come off.
No matter what I do, it just stays there.
Just take it easy.
See what I mean? Look at that.
Never gonna go away.
No matter how hard I scrub or...
how much I wash...
it's gonna stay there.
Where do they come from?
What do they...
What do they expect me to do?
I can't.
Shouldn't we put him on the bed or something?
Let's just let him rest there for a while.
This is a little out of our ballpark, Pierce.
Why don't you fellas call Dr. Freedman?
Yeah, okay.
Ask him what we oughta do.
[Exhales]
He was as strong as any of us.
That's what scares me.
##[Caruso Holding Note]
## [Ends]
Bravo! Bravissimo.!
A virtuoso performance.
There's a lesson. Never insult seven men...
- when all you're packing is a six-gun. - [Chuckles]
Colonel, what a delight.
Since we worked out our differences, the remainder of our quarantine...
shall be passed in peace and harmony.